Monday, October 27, 2008
sad and burdened times...
it seems tat when one is sad...surrounding frens will be sad as well...either with individual problems and frustrations or problems that are connected to one another...saddness fills the air now..so many ppl goin through difficult times..feel so helpless as i cannot physically be there to help them with their problems...all i can do is give them words of encourage...
i always have this feeling tat God put me to be a listener...to be a listening ear to others...for i have a slow to speak kinda nature..i listen sometimes giving advice or just saying wad i think..sometimes just not saying anything at all..sometimes tats all ppl need...a listening ear...not words of advice...not someone to tell u wad is rite or wrong...just someone to listen...
sharing problems with one another releases the tension in the heart...i share mine through my blog..cause i dun like ppl to prob when i am feeling down...
sad times are meant to help one another..just like in the army...to get up together with support...is better than stuggling to get up alone..
Posted by shinkaro at 12:43 AM
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
why...?? what..??
alot of whys and whats have been goin through my head the past few days...having constant dizziness and headaches due to this..most of u know tat i am a thinker...watever decisions i make i think 3 steps ahead..when i think hard..well..there are side effects..tats why i always standby a packet of panadol wherever i go..
i respect my father alot..belief tat i have told some of ur tat...tats the reason why i did not send my withdrawal form todae..it was upon his request..but wad pissed me off was that my mum called another party thus letting them know of my situation without prior telling me...everything i did i would tell them before hand first..i believe they shd do the same thing..i wanted my current situation to stay within the family...i wanted to solve it within the family and now this..
problems just keep growing...
just wish it would all go away..no problems..no saddness..no anger..no frustrations..nothing...just peace and stillness and quietness and emptyness...
Posted by shinkaro at 11:20 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2008
dead end..
did not study the whole of this week end..not because i did dun wan to..but because i was busy doin research..searching for ways and means to get out of my current situation..all search routes led me to the same conclusion..that i had no where else to go but to stay in my current course of study..
i wanted to do something related to design..but to do this one must have a portfolio..a collection of ur personnel work..be it freelance or frm previous institutions..this i had none..i ask my fren who was in design in poly about my chances of making it into design in uni...even when i knew the answer to the question frm the start i still asked...hoping for a different answer..the answer was the same..tat it would be very difficult..unless the portfolio was very strong..with one who has no background drawing experience whatsoever...tat chance of having a strong portfolio was close to nothing..
my chances of changing course was reduced to non...i then stood around my empty house thinking about other solutions but came out with none..there was always one choice no matter wad..to stay on and continue with my course of study..but the thought of tat dreadful saturday physics test kept appearing in my mind..haunting me..
but i tot to myself..i am now in e design stream of mechanical engineering..if i give up my place now..i would have nothing at all..not even a design element to it..so i came to a hard decision to stay on with my course of study...thinking about the things i need to catch up..i dunno where to start...
dun get me wrong..i am not staying on with my course of study just because i want to...but because i dun have a choice..wads in front of me is onli one path alone..a rocky and uphill path that i have to walk...alone...
Posted by shinkaro at 5:50 PM
Saturday, October 11, 2008
wad a bad day..
first and foremost i wanna thank those who have encouraged me these fews urging me to continue with my studies and do my best..i understand ur intentions and cannot ask anymore of u guys..
had my "last min" physics test today..went in..saw the questions..and had a mental block..the first time i had a mental block ever in my entire life during exam...things onli started flowing in my mind at the 30 min mark..by then it was all too late..i onli had 20 mins to finish 3 qns..(not mcq but short answer question)..ppl started leavning the venue after the paper but i just sat there..wondering what just happened.. i was thinking to myself..wad went wrong..the test was not really difficult but i just could not write anything..
this does not help me in any way..(my thinking of trying to wait and see my semester results)..it does not help in any way at all..it just buries me deeper and deeper...i tired telling ppl...screaming for help..wad they tell me is just to wait it out..try the best tat i can..and see the sem results..(not tat i am blaming them..but in a way..it does not help me at all)..i try to put those words of advice into action..but the harder the try..the deeper i sink...
after the test..went to orchard to look for a place..sit down..went online..and looked for other courses at NTU...not tat i did not try to continue..i tired..i really did..but as i said..the harder i tried the deeper i sink...i have come to a point that i dunno what to do anymore..i found something i like..but have to do more research on it first before i confirm anything..
u must be thinking...why did i choose something which right now i seem not to like..i chose mechatronics eng in poly just because of the choice of streaming to aerospace in the 3rd year..mainly because i was interested in planes and also designing..i wanted to do something related to planes and design..but i did nt factor in the mathematics tat comes with it..somehow i survived...
i chose mechanical eng in uni..because of the background knowledge frm poly..also because i could not get into aerospace and this was my second choice( not the choice i wanted but at tat time when i was choosing..i was narrow minded and only thought of eng..did not think whether i really liked wad i studied in the past)...tat mistake..led me to where i am now..but wads done is done and i cannot undo it..whats stopping me frm dropping my course is now just my parents..if not i wld have dropped a long time ago..
but this may not be true for long..i may one day..just snap again..when tat day comes it will be the end..no matter wad my parents say...will not help anymore..so i am now hanging by a thin thread...when tat thread snaps..the end...
Posted by shinkaro at 11:09 PM
Monday, October 6, 2008
update..
know that i haven been updating..ever since i started studying..life has been somewhat upside down...realli tougher than wad i had expected..almost every week i tot of quitting school at least once..there was one time i really broke down and told my parents i wanted to quit sch...
they told me continue studying till the sem exams and see how i do..told me to continue putting in my very best to study like what i have been doin now..but theres a feeling inside me..that tells me they dun see one point...that no matter how hard i study...how much effort..there will always be a breaking point...there is only so much the body can take..just like a rubber band..u stretch it too much..the band will snap..and tats wad happened to me...i snapped...for the very first time in my life i snapped...
frm the start of sch i have studied everyday as if it was the exam period..intensive studying...but when i tok to my parents they dun see tat point..they only see that its too early to give up...but tats not really the point..
its onli bout a month till the exams..i see myself and the distance i have to run to get close to where i suppose to be..and its far..very far...to be able to catch up...its not impossible..i think i can..but it comes down to how much my body can take again...if i continue like tat..i will snap again...everyday i wake up its a reflection of how close i am to the exams...everyday i wake up..i know i have to like run a marathon before i can eventually rest at night..
so everyday i onli look forward to the night...where my brain can rest and my body relax...tats what keeps me goin everyday...
Posted by shinkaro at 12:35 PM